Pandemic Babies: The Lonely Side
Pandemic Babies: The Lonely Side
My baby was a beautiful surprise. I love her deeply, and I cannot imagine my life without her. My partner and I had just sent his daughter to college, and his son was already out of the house. We were like, “what are we going to do with all our free time?”. Our baby answered that question loud and clear! As we adjusted to the idea that we were expecting a baby, we were excited! However, we had no idea we were about to have a baby during a pandemic.
Lucy was born on March 17th in 2020. That day they shut down everything where we live in Portland, Maine. The week prior, I remember getting a little nervous about the spread of Covid. I decided to stop working a few days before I was scheduled to start maternity leave. We still didn’t fully understand what was happening, but the midwife told us that only my partner could come to the hospital for the birth—no other family or friends. I don’t think I made the connection that our family and friends wouldn’t be able to come to visit us at all, even after we brought our sweet girl home. My eyes are filling up with tears as I write this. I cry because most of our friends and family were not and are still not part of her life because of the pandemic. It changed things in ways that no one could predict. I am not blaming anyone, and I hold responsibility for some of that loss.
First, you have to know when my baby was born, so was I! Lucy, my light, has changed me. I am a better person and have grown in ways that I did not know were possible. But that is a whole different story. That is a story of light and love. Unfortunately, this part of my journey into motherhood holds a lot of sadness and grief for the relationships that have been changed forever.
As we drove home from the hospital with our little girl, we were scared, happy, and totally in love. But we were, in fact, completely alone. No one was there to hold our baby. No one came to snuggle her while I napped. No one came to let me rest after being in labor for 44 hours. No one showed up to help clean the house, do laundry, or ask me what I needed. No one was allowed into our home. Close friends did drop food off for us on our porch as we waved to them from the window.
Our family and closest friends visited our newborn baby from behind a glass door on our porch. I would hold my newborn up for viewing as tears streamed down my face. All I wanted was for my loved ones to hug, hold, and kiss my baby and me! I desperately needed their love too! All I wanted was to hand my baby to them and let them love her.
One wonderful thing that my partner and I discovered is that we have a solid relationship. We only had each other to rely on, and we did a damn good job! We were there for each other and our baby 100%, and we are better together for it. If I didn’t have such an amazing and supportive partner, I don’t know what would have happened. Lucy is lucky to have two solid and present parents.
We eventually let our immediate family into our home under strict conditions. It was so lovely to see them love and hold my baby, finally! But there were bumps in that road too. We would waver back and forth on what we were comfortable with, and sometimes we didn’t get to see anyone again for a while. Summer brought some pleasant outdoor gatherings, but I still couldn’t hand my baby over to my best friend! It was heartbreaking. We continued to move forward in the only way we knew how- to give our baby as much love as we could.
This isn’t where the loneliness ends; I am still crying on my couch alone almost two years later. Friendships have changed dramatically as everyone has turned inward. I don’t blame them; we did the same thing. But I am a different person now. They missed me becoming a mother. They missed my daughter’s first smile, laugh, and steps; they missed everything. Most of my friends and family don’t even really know her. Perhaps we don’t know each other anymore. Everyone’s circle got so small because of Covid and adding a baby to the mix, and there weren’t many people left.
I had dreamed of taking my girl to baby and mommy yoga, playdates, breastfeeding groups, and all the places you’re supposed to make your “mom friends” and find your support. There was no support; everything was shut down. We were entirely on our own. Because of this, I have almost no mom friends. I am trying hard to find some but, if you weren’t in people’s circles before Covid, it is very challenging to get into them now. People are shut down, closed off, and I get it. Everyone is trying their best to take care of their family during a pandemic. But, I want in! I want a group of mom friends who know what I am living through and understand the miracles we witness every day.
Even now, I try to find new friends who have kids Lucy’s age, but good luck breaking into the small groups’ people have formed. I want to watch her play with other kids while I sit with my friends and laugh about all the crazy things toddlers do.
Motherhood has been my greatest gift. My partner works evenings, and I work days. Our schedules are a blessing because one of us is always home with her. However, I am left with a lot of alone time in a world where I don’t fit in anywhere. I honestly love being a mom, but it’s a lonely world out there right now.
This is what it looks like to have a pandemic baby.